I'm sitting in Ryan and Erica's house right now with Cosmo and Fenway. I'm listening to "Blue Skies Again," by Jessica Lea Mayfield. I got her CD this weekend. Love it. I've been house sitting for the Wagenhauser's since Thursday. It's been fun.
This week's been ridiculous. A week and a half ago I realized I hadn't forgiven my dad and step-mother for some things they did in the past. I thought I had forgiven them. I thought they did what I did, which was sweep everything under the rug and move on. I never held anything against them. I started becoming really angry for them not apologizing. I went to the Sound and wrote an outline of things I was going to tell them this weekend (I was planning on going down to Eugene for Father's Day to be with them). It was really, really angry and judgmental. I talked to a couple people to get council, and they all said to drop the anger. They supported me letting my dad and step-mother know how I felt, but definitely not in a judgmental way. Also, I was told it's not my place to get them to apologize. I admitted I wanted to be the one that got them to acknowledge their flaws and sins and repent to me. Yeah. That's not good. On Wednesday, I decided to call my grandma and grandpa to get insight from them. I told my grandma I wanted advice on how to go about this in a positive way. We got talking. She said how it's funny I brought these things up, because she had just talked to my step-mother about it a couple of days before that. My grandma said my dad and step-mother both felt guilty over everything. While we were talking, I went to my mail box, and guess what? There was a letter from my step-mother. What the hell? Talk about the grace of God! The letter was a big apology for everything that's happened. I called my step-mother and said, "Sharon. I forgive you."
She said she really appreciated it. I told her how I didn't like how our relationship was just cordial; I wanted to be close with her and my dad. And I'm not even really that close to my dad. It's hard. We're opposites. He's six-five, two-fifty; I'm five-eight, one thirty-five. He's spiritual, I'm Christian. We don't really enjoy the same TV shows for the most part. We're on complete opposite sides of the political spectrum. I called my dad afterwards. I told him I forgave him for everything. He said that meant a lot, then said he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I told him there's nothing to say. I expressed interest in going to Eugene more often to hopefully get closer with him, my step-mother, and my family down there. I just hate spending nine hours of my weekend driving, and a hell of a lot of gas. Then missing out on anything that's going on here. Whatever. It'll get figured out.
Pig roast? That was awesome. Two roasted pigs. That was the best. Beautiful house, beautiful everything. I love being on the Sound. I wish I could get an affordable apartment on the water somewhere. I've toyed with the idea of buying a fixer-upper cabin cruiser and live on that and fix it up. That would be cool. Minimal. That would be interesting. I can imagine getting up early as usual, grabbing my pipe, my smoking jacket, and my cup of black coffee, and just enjoying the morning from my deck. Someday. Talked, hung out. Lived the dream. It's what we do, right?
Then, today, I got a brutal answer from God. To be honest, it's not one I wanted to hear. He knows best, though. I'm struggling with my idolatry of companionship. By that, I mean I always want to be in a relationship (even though I never am). I didn't mean it in a sexual way. I thought I had struck up a compromise with God - I can talk and get to know people I'd maybe be interested in later, but I wouldn't make a move. Yeah. Today during church, God was like, "yeah, no, you have to stay away from those women for now." No matter how much I'd like to, I don't think He wants me to be in a relationship right now. I think that's been made pretty evident over the course of...my whole life? It's tough taking my hands off the wheel. It really is. So...
Goodbye, idolatry of control. Anyways, I know if someone was to come along right now, I'd put her before my relationship with God.
On top of that, I'm having a hard heart regarding my idols. Because as of right now, I'm wanting to get rid of those idols so I'm not dependent on anything, and to be a better person. Those last five words are key. I'm wanting those idols gone so I can be a better person, not a better Christian. I'm praying for a change of heart regarding my idols, rather than wish them gone. When God crushes them, I want them to be gone for the right reason, not the wrong one. Works righteousness is a bitch!
Please pray for me.
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