I'm sitting at one of the many West Linn Starbucks' right now. Specifically, the one up the hill from my parents' house on Salamo. I'm drinking my second favorite beverage (black coffee. No cream. No sugar) while smoking my pipe. I went to my favorite tobacco shop, Cascade Cigar and Tobacco, and was able to pick up the best tobacco blend, dubbed, "Oregon Trail". I'm listening to The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash. Great song about Revelation. The weather is perfect. No rain. Little bit of sun breaking through the clouds. Just a brisk, December morning. Don't even need gloves!
This week has been a quick - but weird - one. Every day felt like I was a day ahead. Tuesday felt like Wednesday, Wednesday felt like Thursday. Friday was nice because we got to go early. I hit the road immediately.
It's really nice to be back. Last night was relaxing. Hung out with my mom and Hugh. Took the dogs, Sophie and Rose, for a walk with Hugh. He smoked his cigar and I got out my pipe. We stood on the front porch lighting up, then discarding our burnt matches onto the front porch and in the bushes, which was all-too familiar. Can't remember how many drunken nights I spent with friends on that porch during summer, smoking cigars and discarding the matches onto the ground. That was years ago, though. I look back fondly at those memories, but I'm glad I don't do that anymore. Don't have the desire for it. People have difficulty understanding that concept.
My mom mentioned last night she was suspicious when I'd go for walks when I was younger. Which makes sense, since I usually went out only at night and always at the same time, almost every night. I assured her I was doing nothing but walking (which is true). I've loved going on nightly walks since I was a sophomore in high school. It's relaxing walking when no one else is around; only your music and you.
In previous posts, I've very much expressed my thankfulness for the family and community and fellowship I've been able to have since moving to Seattle. Season is a time for thankfulness. Important though to remember what this season is about. Jesus Christ. I'm really not sure what I should write about that, but it's just too easy to get distracted from that. I'm the first person to become distracted from what's important. Respect and thanks is due to who is responsible for it. And that's Jesus Christ.
I'm thankful for many things. Many, many things. Right now, though, the things that are coming to mind are the following: family, fellowship, my end-of-the-year bonus and getting Monday off. Originally, we were scheduled to work, but no one wanted to. We all took some PTO time out and got Monday off. Now I don't have to leave on Christmas evening and I get to catch up with a friend on Monday morning on my way out of town. I mean this in all sincerity:
PRAISE THE LORD!
Merry Christmas!
One last thing! Please keep the following things in your prayers: my boss' son busted his knee cap open and shattered it yesterday afternoon, and please pray for all the people who aren't able to be with their families this weekend (specifically the interns at church). I pray other families will be accommodating and invite those people into their homes, and they'll have good, intentional time together. (In the style of First and Second Timothy) Forever and ever! Amen.
REVELATION 19:16:
"On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords."
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
The Past Six Months
It's been a long time since I've written. A long time. It's been a good and interesting and hard past six or so months. Has it been that long? I don't know. A lot's happened.
Turned twenty-one:
Went camping at Lake Kachess:
Hiked to Camp Muir:
And just generally have had a lot of (weird) fellowship:
Yeah. Looking at those last few pictures, I'd think, "what the hell", too.
I've been in Seattle a year now. October eleventh marks my one-year anniversary. It's been a good year. The past ten months have been unlike any I've ever experienced. I've met so many people, and I'm so thankful for it. Before I came, I didn't hang out with any of my friends. Granted, most of them moved to Eugene and Corvallis to go to school. I was not social.
I'm so thankful that I've been involved in church, and getting to know God on a personal level. I always called myself a Christian - until I realized I really wasn't. I had the misconception that because I believed in God, I was going to Heaven - so I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I could sin all I wanted to, and I'd be forgiven. Yeah, no. It doesn't work like that. At all.
It took me a long time to realize that I hadn't accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. And even then, it took me a long time to actually let Him in my heart. I'm not sure why. I wanted to accept Him and I prayed about it, but my heart was so hard (and it still is), that it took forever. But finally, twelve weeks ago, I was saved at my desk in the warehouse at work. I felt called to pray and accept Him - so I did.
I've been doing some reading on carm.org (Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry) about other religions. It's a really good site for apologetics. Anyways, I was reading about other religion's beliefs, and damn, they're scary. Every single faith is works-based. I couldn't imagine my salvation depending on if I was doing good works and not sinning. That's scary as hell.
I've been learning so much. But, I have a lot to learn. That's an understatement. A huge understatement.
And I finished Redemption Group. It wasn't hard. Although, our leaders told us that they didn't see any of us feel crushed by our sin. Or be disgusted by it. Or repent of it. They said they we pretty much said, "this is my sin," and then not do anything about it. Which was true. I've been praying to feel the weight of my sin. The leaders made a good point, though. They said not to pursue the attacking of your sin, but to pursue God, and in so doing, you'll put your sin to death. It all matters where your heart is at.
I miss my brothers a lot. They were my best friends when I left West Linn. They still are, even if I don't talk to them much. That's okay, though. I guess the time we do talk needs to be made intentional. I love them a lot. One of the things I miss most is watching The Office with them. We'd do that every night. Literally. And it never got old. We know The Office better than anybody. I'm going down to West Linn on Wednesday for Thanksgiving. I'm excited to see Thomas, my mom, Hugh, and the dogs. I haven't been down since mid-August. Been a while.
Anyways, it's been nice to write, since I haven't done it in a long time.
God bless,
Austin.
Turned twenty-one:
Went camping at Lake Kachess:
Hiked to Camp Muir:
And just generally have had a lot of (weird) fellowship:
Yeah. Looking at those last few pictures, I'd think, "what the hell", too.
I've been in Seattle a year now. October eleventh marks my one-year anniversary. It's been a good year. The past ten months have been unlike any I've ever experienced. I've met so many people, and I'm so thankful for it. Before I came, I didn't hang out with any of my friends. Granted, most of them moved to Eugene and Corvallis to go to school. I was not social.
I'm so thankful that I've been involved in church, and getting to know God on a personal level. I always called myself a Christian - until I realized I really wasn't. I had the misconception that because I believed in God, I was going to Heaven - so I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I could sin all I wanted to, and I'd be forgiven. Yeah, no. It doesn't work like that. At all.
It took me a long time to realize that I hadn't accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. And even then, it took me a long time to actually let Him in my heart. I'm not sure why. I wanted to accept Him and I prayed about it, but my heart was so hard (and it still is), that it took forever. But finally, twelve weeks ago, I was saved at my desk in the warehouse at work. I felt called to pray and accept Him - so I did.
I've been doing some reading on carm.org (Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry) about other religions. It's a really good site for apologetics. Anyways, I was reading about other religion's beliefs, and damn, they're scary. Every single faith is works-based. I couldn't imagine my salvation depending on if I was doing good works and not sinning. That's scary as hell.
I've been learning so much. But, I have a lot to learn. That's an understatement. A huge understatement.
And I finished Redemption Group. It wasn't hard. Although, our leaders told us that they didn't see any of us feel crushed by our sin. Or be disgusted by it. Or repent of it. They said they we pretty much said, "this is my sin," and then not do anything about it. Which was true. I've been praying to feel the weight of my sin. The leaders made a good point, though. They said not to pursue the attacking of your sin, but to pursue God, and in so doing, you'll put your sin to death. It all matters where your heart is at.
I miss my brothers a lot. They were my best friends when I left West Linn. They still are, even if I don't talk to them much. That's okay, though. I guess the time we do talk needs to be made intentional. I love them a lot. One of the things I miss most is watching The Office with them. We'd do that every night. Literally. And it never got old. We know The Office better than anybody. I'm going down to West Linn on Wednesday for Thanksgiving. I'm excited to see Thomas, my mom, Hugh, and the dogs. I haven't been down since mid-August. Been a while.
Anyways, it's been nice to write, since I haven't done it in a long time.
God bless,
Austin.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Middle of Nowhere Part II
What a busy couple of weeks. I ain't complaining. Mom came up weekend before last. This weekend was filled with fellowship and a lot of walking.
Hung out with friends, went to the fair (twice), helped a friend move, went to the free concert at church, church, picnic with friends at Lincoln Park. It was a really nice weekend.
I always like having a plan. When it comes down to it, I like being in control. And I had a plan, for a while, regarding...everything. God stepped in, telling me, nope, no plan anymore. Which really aggravated me. I feel lost without a plan. I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. I don't feel that way because I'm not in control; just because I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to describe the feeling. Fear? Despair? I'm not sure. Those words seem too dark.
Uncomfortable? I'm definitely uncomfortable not having a plan. I feel like nothing will get done. Or maybe I'm worried nothing will happen in life. Which is absurd. The best way I can put it into words is this: I feel like I'm lost in the middle of the ocean with someone, and the person says to me, "stay right here, I'll be back with help. Don't move," and they take the only raft and leave me struggling to swim. All I have to do is wait. I feel like I'll lose everything if I don't know what to do. I'm scared what'll happen if I don't act. Again, this is absurd. God has a plan. And my idol is...where do I start? Control. It's more than that, though. Security. I like routines and schedules. What does repentance look like? I'm not sure. Taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Praying. I want to let my control go, but I can (almost literally) feel by heart holding onto it, not wanting to let it go.
I like praying in the morning on my way to work. It's a nice, quiet time to reflex and talk to God.
I was reading through John the other night, when I came across John 8:53. "The Woman Caught in Adultery". In it, a woman's caught cheating, and Jesus asks, "who condemns you?" The woman replies, "no one, Lord."
Jesus replies, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."
What Jesus says really stuck out to me. The woman doesn't offer some lame excuse to why she sinned. Jesus doesn't berate her, doesn't ask questions. He simply says what he says. He'll take you how ya are! I like that. That's awesome. And I'm not saying that her sin isn't bad - it is - and I'm not saying it's awesome she got off the hook with no repercussions. Because I'm sure there were. I meant Jesus' response can pretty much be put towards any sin, and that's what he says to you and me.
On an up note, which has absolutely nothing to do with what I've been writing about, there's a couple really happy songs I've been listening to lately: Rill Rill by Sleigh Bells, Orono Park by Wilderness of Manitoba, and Off Our Backs by MEN. Listen to them.
Please pray for me.
Hung out with friends, went to the fair (twice), helped a friend move, went to the free concert at church, church, picnic with friends at Lincoln Park. It was a really nice weekend.
I always like having a plan. When it comes down to it, I like being in control. And I had a plan, for a while, regarding...everything. God stepped in, telling me, nope, no plan anymore. Which really aggravated me. I feel lost without a plan. I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. I don't feel that way because I'm not in control; just because I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to describe the feeling. Fear? Despair? I'm not sure. Those words seem too dark.
Uncomfortable? I'm definitely uncomfortable not having a plan. I feel like nothing will get done. Or maybe I'm worried nothing will happen in life. Which is absurd. The best way I can put it into words is this: I feel like I'm lost in the middle of the ocean with someone, and the person says to me, "stay right here, I'll be back with help. Don't move," and they take the only raft and leave me struggling to swim. All I have to do is wait. I feel like I'll lose everything if I don't know what to do. I'm scared what'll happen if I don't act. Again, this is absurd. God has a plan. And my idol is...where do I start? Control. It's more than that, though. Security. I like routines and schedules. What does repentance look like? I'm not sure. Taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Praying. I want to let my control go, but I can (almost literally) feel by heart holding onto it, not wanting to let it go.
I like praying in the morning on my way to work. It's a nice, quiet time to reflex and talk to God.
I was reading through John the other night, when I came across John 8:53. "The Woman Caught in Adultery". In it, a woman's caught cheating, and Jesus asks, "who condemns you?" The woman replies, "no one, Lord."
Jesus replies, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."
What Jesus says really stuck out to me. The woman doesn't offer some lame excuse to why she sinned. Jesus doesn't berate her, doesn't ask questions. He simply says what he says. He'll take you how ya are! I like that. That's awesome. And I'm not saying that her sin isn't bad - it is - and I'm not saying it's awesome she got off the hook with no repercussions. Because I'm sure there were. I meant Jesus' response can pretty much be put towards any sin, and that's what he says to you and me.
On an up note, which has absolutely nothing to do with what I've been writing about, there's a couple really happy songs I've been listening to lately: Rill Rill by Sleigh Bells, Orono Park by Wilderness of Manitoba, and Off Our Backs by MEN. Listen to them.
Please pray for me.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
UNDERGROUND MOVIE THEATER
Before our new community group started last night, Emily, Ryan and I were talking about urban exploration and starting an underground movie theater. Ryan fell in love with the idea.
I can just imagine it now. Dark. Metal utility tunnels that haven't been walked through in years. Lacing Christmas lights through the hallways to light them up. A warm, yellow light; not a bright white. Yellow is warm, mellow, cozy. Yes. I'm talking about making a cold, metal, rusty hallway into something cozy. Clean up the floors if they're dirty. Put heaters around. Then you got the showroom where the theater is. Projection screen on one end. Chairs in the middle of the room. Bar in one corner. Drinks, food. Maybe a little dining area with tables and chairs for people to sit at before the movie starts.
I wonder if that'd be popular. I feel like it would only really appeal to movie buffs, and people who like urban exploration. Those are two small groups.
What a nice night, last night was. After community group, a couple of us went to Husky to get ice cream. We walked around the Junction and checked out the new smoke shop and pub. The pub is really Irish. It's cool. I'd like to go there once I'm not a wittle baby anymore. Then we went to Chris and Tina's and hung out. Smoked cigars. Talked about movies. Talked about making movies. I love this.
Life's been good, lately. I've been calling my friends down in Oregon more and talking with them. I've kept in sparse contact with them for the past three years.
If you know of any good spots to go exploring underground, let me know :D
I can just imagine it now. Dark. Metal utility tunnels that haven't been walked through in years. Lacing Christmas lights through the hallways to light them up. A warm, yellow light; not a bright white. Yellow is warm, mellow, cozy. Yes. I'm talking about making a cold, metal, rusty hallway into something cozy. Clean up the floors if they're dirty. Put heaters around. Then you got the showroom where the theater is. Projection screen on one end. Chairs in the middle of the room. Bar in one corner. Drinks, food. Maybe a little dining area with tables and chairs for people to sit at before the movie starts.
I wonder if that'd be popular. I feel like it would only really appeal to movie buffs, and people who like urban exploration. Those are two small groups.
What a nice night, last night was. After community group, a couple of us went to Husky to get ice cream. We walked around the Junction and checked out the new smoke shop and pub. The pub is really Irish. It's cool. I'd like to go there once I'm not a wittle baby anymore. Then we went to Chris and Tina's and hung out. Smoked cigars. Talked about movies. Talked about making movies. I love this.
Life's been good, lately. I've been calling my friends down in Oregon more and talking with them. I've kept in sparse contact with them for the past three years.
If you know of any good spots to go exploring underground, let me know :D
Monday, June 27, 2011
My right shoulder is BURNT.
This weekend was so sweet. It felt really long. Ryan, Gary and I took off to Leavenworth on Friday to go camping with a bunch of other people. I don't normally have people in the car with me for long trips. It was entertaining having people to talk with and made time go by quickly.
The camping spots were pretty small. We were on a long, narrow rectangle of grass. There were two communal fire pits on either end of the rectangle, and nothing more. Two enormous families set up their entire band wagon around the fire pits. So...no fire pits for us. We, uh, just made our own. On our little plot of camping land, there was a large dust patch where there was no grass, so we made a fire pit with rocks.
Being men, we had to go prove ourselves at the wood chopping block (not me). With a dull, blunt blade, we made little progress, what with the logs being about a foot and a half thick. After a while, we got enough (by, "enough", I mean, "too much") and headed back. We set up shop and all got around it. The camping guide zoomed around in his golf cart and...didn't notice we had a fire where we weren't supposed to. Huh. Oh well. We talked and I smoked my pipe. Got to know people. And we got yelled at by a grumpy woman at another campsite, "quiet DOWN!"
Then at eleven-thirty, the camping guide showed up out of nowhere, really damn quietly behind someone. When he had all our attention, he said, "quiet time started at eleven."
Then he looked at our fire. And even pointed his flashlight at it (he had to make sure it was REALLY there, I guess). "Put it out. NOW," he said, very disappointed. So, we did. We sat there not too much longer in the pitch blackness because...we were in the dark. We all started getting ready for bed. Then my car alarm went off. For probably about five minutes. I forgot where I put my keys. A woman from the same grumpy family yelled, "turn it OFF!" Duh? Did she think I was sleeping through the alarm or something? I finally remembered I had put my keys in my back pack. That was good. Everybody from surrounding camp sites applauded when Megatron's battle cry finally got turned off. Oops.
Woke up nice and early. Walked around a little. Went to a field nearby, and was able to see the surrounding mountains and peaks and how we were in a valley. Beautiful. I really wanted coffee - it was a cold morning - but the check-in office wasn't open yet. People slowly started waking up and at seven-thirty we went to grab breakfast. We talked about things like Polybius (the game, not the god) and The Mexican Perforation. The urban legend of Polybius was debunked for us. I guess that's a good thing. Wouldn't want to believe a lie.
I was a bit nervous for white water rafting, to be honest. Forty-two degree water? Yeah...Oh well. Ryan and I were in the front. That first huge wave that hit me - dang. It was scary. And really cold. I was determined not to get bucked off into the water. And I didn't. I did get bucked off into the boat, though. I was also determined not to lose my sunglasses. And I didn't. I need to be determined more often, it seems like. Ryan got taken down a couple times. We got really good at pulling him in quickly. Haha. It was fun hearing everybody's stories. Gary and David's raft taco'd. And they hit heads. They tried to tip their raft, but surprisingly, it didn't happen. It was fun. Lots of rowing. When we got back on land, it was nice to warm up. Feet were numb and cold. Same with my fingers. That's okay, though. I'm warm now, aren't I?
After we all got back to camp, we went to Leavenworth. What a cool town. Nestled in a valley between huge mountains, it was beautiful. I've heard it's stunning during Christmastime. We went to Gustav's for lunch. Walked around Leavenworth. I dropped Gary and Ryan back at the campsite and I took off. I would say it was a quiet drive...but it wasn't. I blasted down the road in the sunshine with my windows down, singing/listening to Meatloaf (notably, "For Crying Out Loud"). I had no trouble getting to bed that night. Started watching my favorite episode of the Office (Traveling Salesmen/The Return) and I fell asleep pretty quickly.
Yesterday was good, too. Really good, actually. I wanted to go to the Fremont Flea Market after church, but I was invited to a picnic at the Arboretum. So I chose the picnic. That was a lot of fun. A ton of walking. We walked from one end of the Arboretum to the other. David, Derek and I ended up on an island in mud. But we kept on going. And ended up at the Museum of something-or-other. Instead of going back, we kept going. After a ton of walking, we found our original picnic site and left. I went to the singles bonfire in Alki. That was fun. Parking was probably, literally the worst thing in the world. Parked way too far away. That's okay, though. I like walking.
The singles thing went well, I thought. Met people, obviously. Played a lot of bocce ball. That game is sweet. It was a great weekend.
Tonight is the last community group. It'll be good, but sad.
It'll be a good night.
The camping spots were pretty small. We were on a long, narrow rectangle of grass. There were two communal fire pits on either end of the rectangle, and nothing more. Two enormous families set up their entire band wagon around the fire pits. So...no fire pits for us. We, uh, just made our own. On our little plot of camping land, there was a large dust patch where there was no grass, so we made a fire pit with rocks.
Being men, we had to go prove ourselves at the wood chopping block (not me). With a dull, blunt blade, we made little progress, what with the logs being about a foot and a half thick. After a while, we got enough (by, "enough", I mean, "too much") and headed back. We set up shop and all got around it. The camping guide zoomed around in his golf cart and...didn't notice we had a fire where we weren't supposed to. Huh. Oh well. We talked and I smoked my pipe. Got to know people. And we got yelled at by a grumpy woman at another campsite, "quiet DOWN!"
Then at eleven-thirty, the camping guide showed up out of nowhere, really damn quietly behind someone. When he had all our attention, he said, "quiet time started at eleven."
Then he looked at our fire. And even pointed his flashlight at it (he had to make sure it was REALLY there, I guess). "Put it out. NOW," he said, very disappointed. So, we did. We sat there not too much longer in the pitch blackness because...we were in the dark. We all started getting ready for bed. Then my car alarm went off. For probably about five minutes. I forgot where I put my keys. A woman from the same grumpy family yelled, "turn it OFF!" Duh? Did she think I was sleeping through the alarm or something? I finally remembered I had put my keys in my back pack. That was good. Everybody from surrounding camp sites applauded when Megatron's battle cry finally got turned off. Oops.
Woke up nice and early. Walked around a little. Went to a field nearby, and was able to see the surrounding mountains and peaks and how we were in a valley. Beautiful. I really wanted coffee - it was a cold morning - but the check-in office wasn't open yet. People slowly started waking up and at seven-thirty we went to grab breakfast. We talked about things like Polybius (the game, not the god) and The Mexican Perforation. The urban legend of Polybius was debunked for us. I guess that's a good thing. Wouldn't want to believe a lie.
I was a bit nervous for white water rafting, to be honest. Forty-two degree water? Yeah...Oh well. Ryan and I were in the front. That first huge wave that hit me - dang. It was scary. And really cold. I was determined not to get bucked off into the water. And I didn't. I did get bucked off into the boat, though. I was also determined not to lose my sunglasses. And I didn't. I need to be determined more often, it seems like. Ryan got taken down a couple times. We got really good at pulling him in quickly. Haha. It was fun hearing everybody's stories. Gary and David's raft taco'd. And they hit heads. They tried to tip their raft, but surprisingly, it didn't happen. It was fun. Lots of rowing. When we got back on land, it was nice to warm up. Feet were numb and cold. Same with my fingers. That's okay, though. I'm warm now, aren't I?
After we all got back to camp, we went to Leavenworth. What a cool town. Nestled in a valley between huge mountains, it was beautiful. I've heard it's stunning during Christmastime. We went to Gustav's for lunch. Walked around Leavenworth. I dropped Gary and Ryan back at the campsite and I took off. I would say it was a quiet drive...but it wasn't. I blasted down the road in the sunshine with my windows down, singing/listening to Meatloaf (notably, "For Crying Out Loud"). I had no trouble getting to bed that night. Started watching my favorite episode of the Office (Traveling Salesmen/The Return) and I fell asleep pretty quickly.
Yesterday was good, too. Really good, actually. I wanted to go to the Fremont Flea Market after church, but I was invited to a picnic at the Arboretum. So I chose the picnic. That was a lot of fun. A ton of walking. We walked from one end of the Arboretum to the other. David, Derek and I ended up on an island in mud. But we kept on going. And ended up at the Museum of something-or-other. Instead of going back, we kept going. After a ton of walking, we found our original picnic site and left. I went to the singles bonfire in Alki. That was fun. Parking was probably, literally the worst thing in the world. Parked way too far away. That's okay, though. I like walking.
The singles thing went well, I thought. Met people, obviously. Played a lot of bocce ball. That game is sweet. It was a great weekend.
Tonight is the last community group. It'll be good, but sad.
It'll be a good night.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Turning Away
I'm sitting in Ryan and Erica's house right now with Cosmo and Fenway. I'm listening to "Blue Skies Again," by Jessica Lea Mayfield. I got her CD this weekend. Love it. I've been house sitting for the Wagenhauser's since Thursday. It's been fun.
This week's been ridiculous. A week and a half ago I realized I hadn't forgiven my dad and step-mother for some things they did in the past. I thought I had forgiven them. I thought they did what I did, which was sweep everything under the rug and move on. I never held anything against them. I started becoming really angry for them not apologizing. I went to the Sound and wrote an outline of things I was going to tell them this weekend (I was planning on going down to Eugene for Father's Day to be with them). It was really, really angry and judgmental. I talked to a couple people to get council, and they all said to drop the anger. They supported me letting my dad and step-mother know how I felt, but definitely not in a judgmental way. Also, I was told it's not my place to get them to apologize. I admitted I wanted to be the one that got them to acknowledge their flaws and sins and repent to me. Yeah. That's not good. On Wednesday, I decided to call my grandma and grandpa to get insight from them. I told my grandma I wanted advice on how to go about this in a positive way. We got talking. She said how it's funny I brought these things up, because she had just talked to my step-mother about it a couple of days before that. My grandma said my dad and step-mother both felt guilty over everything. While we were talking, I went to my mail box, and guess what? There was a letter from my step-mother. What the hell? Talk about the grace of God! The letter was a big apology for everything that's happened. I called my step-mother and said, "Sharon. I forgive you."
She said she really appreciated it. I told her how I didn't like how our relationship was just cordial; I wanted to be close with her and my dad. And I'm not even really that close to my dad. It's hard. We're opposites. He's six-five, two-fifty; I'm five-eight, one thirty-five. He's spiritual, I'm Christian. We don't really enjoy the same TV shows for the most part. We're on complete opposite sides of the political spectrum. I called my dad afterwards. I told him I forgave him for everything. He said that meant a lot, then said he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I told him there's nothing to say. I expressed interest in going to Eugene more often to hopefully get closer with him, my step-mother, and my family down there. I just hate spending nine hours of my weekend driving, and a hell of a lot of gas. Then missing out on anything that's going on here. Whatever. It'll get figured out.
Pig roast? That was awesome. Two roasted pigs. That was the best. Beautiful house, beautiful everything. I love being on the Sound. I wish I could get an affordable apartment on the water somewhere. I've toyed with the idea of buying a fixer-upper cabin cruiser and live on that and fix it up. That would be cool. Minimal. That would be interesting. I can imagine getting up early as usual, grabbing my pipe, my smoking jacket, and my cup of black coffee, and just enjoying the morning from my deck. Someday. Talked, hung out. Lived the dream. It's what we do, right?
Then, today, I got a brutal answer from God. To be honest, it's not one I wanted to hear. He knows best, though. I'm struggling with my idolatry of companionship. By that, I mean I always want to be in a relationship (even though I never am). I didn't mean it in a sexual way. I thought I had struck up a compromise with God - I can talk and get to know people I'd maybe be interested in later, but I wouldn't make a move. Yeah. Today during church, God was like, "yeah, no, you have to stay away from those women for now." No matter how much I'd like to, I don't think He wants me to be in a relationship right now. I think that's been made pretty evident over the course of...my whole life? It's tough taking my hands off the wheel. It really is. So...
Goodbye, idolatry of control. Anyways, I know if someone was to come along right now, I'd put her before my relationship with God.
On top of that, I'm having a hard heart regarding my idols. Because as of right now, I'm wanting to get rid of those idols so I'm not dependent on anything, and to be a better person. Those last five words are key. I'm wanting those idols gone so I can be a better person, not a better Christian. I'm praying for a change of heart regarding my idols, rather than wish them gone. When God crushes them, I want them to be gone for the right reason, not the wrong one. Works righteousness is a bitch!
Please pray for me.
This week's been ridiculous. A week and a half ago I realized I hadn't forgiven my dad and step-mother for some things they did in the past. I thought I had forgiven them. I thought they did what I did, which was sweep everything under the rug and move on. I never held anything against them. I started becoming really angry for them not apologizing. I went to the Sound and wrote an outline of things I was going to tell them this weekend (I was planning on going down to Eugene for Father's Day to be with them). It was really, really angry and judgmental. I talked to a couple people to get council, and they all said to drop the anger. They supported me letting my dad and step-mother know how I felt, but definitely not in a judgmental way. Also, I was told it's not my place to get them to apologize. I admitted I wanted to be the one that got them to acknowledge their flaws and sins and repent to me. Yeah. That's not good. On Wednesday, I decided to call my grandma and grandpa to get insight from them. I told my grandma I wanted advice on how to go about this in a positive way. We got talking. She said how it's funny I brought these things up, because she had just talked to my step-mother about it a couple of days before that. My grandma said my dad and step-mother both felt guilty over everything. While we were talking, I went to my mail box, and guess what? There was a letter from my step-mother. What the hell? Talk about the grace of God! The letter was a big apology for everything that's happened. I called my step-mother and said, "Sharon. I forgive you."
She said she really appreciated it. I told her how I didn't like how our relationship was just cordial; I wanted to be close with her and my dad. And I'm not even really that close to my dad. It's hard. We're opposites. He's six-five, two-fifty; I'm five-eight, one thirty-five. He's spiritual, I'm Christian. We don't really enjoy the same TV shows for the most part. We're on complete opposite sides of the political spectrum. I called my dad afterwards. I told him I forgave him for everything. He said that meant a lot, then said he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I told him there's nothing to say. I expressed interest in going to Eugene more often to hopefully get closer with him, my step-mother, and my family down there. I just hate spending nine hours of my weekend driving, and a hell of a lot of gas. Then missing out on anything that's going on here. Whatever. It'll get figured out.
Pig roast? That was awesome. Two roasted pigs. That was the best. Beautiful house, beautiful everything. I love being on the Sound. I wish I could get an affordable apartment on the water somewhere. I've toyed with the idea of buying a fixer-upper cabin cruiser and live on that and fix it up. That would be cool. Minimal. That would be interesting. I can imagine getting up early as usual, grabbing my pipe, my smoking jacket, and my cup of black coffee, and just enjoying the morning from my deck. Someday. Talked, hung out. Lived the dream. It's what we do, right?
Then, today, I got a brutal answer from God. To be honest, it's not one I wanted to hear. He knows best, though. I'm struggling with my idolatry of companionship. By that, I mean I always want to be in a relationship (even though I never am). I didn't mean it in a sexual way. I thought I had struck up a compromise with God - I can talk and get to know people I'd maybe be interested in later, but I wouldn't make a move. Yeah. Today during church, God was like, "yeah, no, you have to stay away from those women for now." No matter how much I'd like to, I don't think He wants me to be in a relationship right now. I think that's been made pretty evident over the course of...my whole life? It's tough taking my hands off the wheel. It really is. So...
Goodbye, idolatry of control. Anyways, I know if someone was to come along right now, I'd put her before my relationship with God.
On top of that, I'm having a hard heart regarding my idols. Because as of right now, I'm wanting to get rid of those idols so I'm not dependent on anything, and to be a better person. Those last five words are key. I'm wanting those idols gone so I can be a better person, not a better Christian. I'm praying for a change of heart regarding my idols, rather than wish them gone. When God crushes them, I want them to be gone for the right reason, not the wrong one. Works righteousness is a bitch!
Please pray for me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The Middle of Nowhere
It's six-fifty in the morning (probably evident on the time stamp for this entry...). I'm getting ready for work, eating a PBJ and drinking a glass of milk. I'm listening to Elliott Smith. I was in the shower earlier, when I felt I needed to write an entry on my relationship with God.
First off, I wanted to say it's weird and different for me to talk about myself this much. And it so much detail. I've gotten ingrained on me not to talk about myself, say as little as possible, just listen to other people talk. I've met a lot of people that do not care what's going on in your life. That's all changing now with the people I'm meeting. I love that.
I was talking to God last night. Literally. I wasn't praying, I was talking to God. It's a lot different than praying in your mind. At least for me. It makes my prayers longer. I was praying about my main idol - companionship - and God made me realize that the reason I want to be rid of this idol is for my own reasons, it's not to get closer to God. When I was younger and dating, I was immature and young (obviously), and my happiness depended on the other person. I'm not sure if that is quite true now that I'm older; but then again, I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, so it's hard to gauge if I would still feel that way. I probably would. Maybe not to the same extant as I did when I was younger, but I'm sure it would still be based around that.
Because that's what my happiness was generally hinging on, I didn't want that. I want(ed) to be my own god and have my happiness based on ME. Right now, I'm my own god. Where do I go from here? I'm starting to feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere.
I wonder what idols and sins God will tackle in me first. There's so many. I got my idols, companionship, me, approval, security, sexual immorality and control. On top of that, I've got a hard heart and my reasons for getting rid of my idols is fueling the fire for me feeling like I'm God. At community group last night, Ryan was saying how there comes a point where God says to you, "you will let these idols go, or I will RIP THEM AWAY FROM YOU."
Pretty sure I'm falling in the latter.
How has it almost been twenty minutes? I've got to get to work early today to clean Megatron. He getting dirty.
First off, I wanted to say it's weird and different for me to talk about myself this much. And it so much detail. I've gotten ingrained on me not to talk about myself, say as little as possible, just listen to other people talk. I've met a lot of people that do not care what's going on in your life. That's all changing now with the people I'm meeting. I love that.
I was talking to God last night. Literally. I wasn't praying, I was talking to God. It's a lot different than praying in your mind. At least for me. It makes my prayers longer. I was praying about my main idol - companionship - and God made me realize that the reason I want to be rid of this idol is for my own reasons, it's not to get closer to God. When I was younger and dating, I was immature and young (obviously), and my happiness depended on the other person. I'm not sure if that is quite true now that I'm older; but then again, I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, so it's hard to gauge if I would still feel that way. I probably would. Maybe not to the same extant as I did when I was younger, but I'm sure it would still be based around that.
Because that's what my happiness was generally hinging on, I didn't want that. I want(ed) to be my own god and have my happiness based on ME. Right now, I'm my own god. Where do I go from here? I'm starting to feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere.
I wonder what idols and sins God will tackle in me first. There's so many. I got my idols, companionship, me, approval, security, sexual immorality and control. On top of that, I've got a hard heart and my reasons for getting rid of my idols is fueling the fire for me feeling like I'm God. At community group last night, Ryan was saying how there comes a point where God says to you, "you will let these idols go, or I will RIP THEM AWAY FROM YOU."
Pretty sure I'm falling in the latter.
How has it almost been twenty minutes? I've got to get to work early today to clean Megatron. He getting dirty.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Opening Up
Three weeks ago, I finally admitted I was (attemping) to turn my back to God. I've always believed in Him, but I always felt I was one foot in Christianity and one foot out. Once I realized this, I went to talk to a Pastor after the service so he could pray for me. I talked to Pastor Cliff, who recommended I write about my progress of starting my relationship with God. Which works well for me, because I love writing. I've kept a journal since I was in probably eighth grade. I wish I started this journal three weeks ago when he told me. Oh well. Starting it now.
My entire life, I've only prayed before going to bed. Or if I was going somewhere on a plane. God's changed that for me. If I'm angry, lonely, bitter, feeling temptation, I start praying. I've been doing this progressively more and more over the past three weeks. God delivers, always. I opened up more at community group and I received a lot of support. That's what I love about community group. No matter how big or small your problems are, everyone at community group listens and asks question and you get different perspectives. They don't just sit there and listen and wait for their turn to speak. I love it. I've literally had friends that would listen to me vent, then immediately say, "okay, want to hear my problems?"
They would just brush over me, not even casually, and go into their life. I, of course, would love to have you vent. But when I'm done. To be fair, maybe they thought I was finished. I don't know. Besides the point.
Anyways. Everybody prayed for me, which was nice. I asked what I could do to improve my relationship with God. Everyone told me, "nothing." This made me uncomfortable. One of my idols is control. So, not being in control of that situation made me impatient. I felt like, "I want to improve my relationship with God, AND I WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!" I'm praying for that idol to be yanked away. I was told the only thing I can do, if anything, is wait for God to convict me. I thought for a second, and said, "so, do nothing, just wait and don't think about it." Couple people laughed in frustration, because I was still trying to DO something. People pried, which was nice. I was asked what I would think of myself if I didn't go to church, go to community group, greet on Sunday mornings at the church, to which I replied, "useless."
I was then told my idol is approval, which is very true. I care and compulsively think about what people think of me. Especially at work. I'm praying.
I've also praying to be convicted of my sins. To which God is doing a good job at answering my prayers.
Last week's sermon was mostly about idolatry. It really hit home with me.
Monday was nice. I was house sitting for my aunt and uncle. I went to Stephen's house for a barbecue at noon with Phil and Tommy. We talked for a while and went down to Alki and walked and talked, and I learned a lot from them, which I'm very thankful for. They invited me to work out with them, which I did. I did Cross Fit...and my goodness...that kicked my ass. I'm still feeling it a little. If I do Cross Fit enough, I'll soon look like Sylvester Stallone. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping for. Not really. After working out, I went to community group, which was a big ol' barbecue. Lot of people. Some people found out I'm twenty (AKA: not twenty-one yet), and the guys got really excited and we made plans to go to Vegas. We got the date and everything. It will be AWESOME.
Tuesday was the Redemption Celebration. Westin had to work a little late, so I drove Dorina and myself up to Ballard. We got there nice and early, so we were able to save an entire row of seats. Once people started coming, it got packed quickly. We helped to make more rows, and when we got back to our seats, Ben and Tracey had just got there, which was a delightful surprise. Redemption Celebration was ridiculous. I might even go so far as to say it was REDANKULOUS. Eye-opening, to say the least. I'm going to sign up to go this fall, which is at West Seattle. That'll be nice and close. I'm excited, in a, "kick-your-ass-kind-of-way," as a certain someone put it. How many times do I use the word, "excited"? I'm excited a lot, I guess. That's good, right?
Thursday, I went to Campus Clean-Up. That was nice (I didn't say, "excited"; I have other words in my vocabulary). Gary and I teamed up and DESTROYED the lobby and bathrooms. I vacuumed the hell out of the floor, and he cleaned the hell out of the bathrooms. We did a pretty good job.
After work on Friday, I went to go enjoy some of that infamous Seattle sun down at Lincoln Park. I sat on a bench on the Sound, listened to the sermon, "Pray Like Jesus", took mental notes, and enjoyed the sun, water, the Olympics, and people watched. I came home, cracked open a Dead Guy (my favorite), and watched Love Actually. Not the biggest fan of rom-coms. But, I heard it was a really good movie (and I checked IMDB, it had a surprisingly high rating), so I gave it a chance. It was good and cute. I liked it. There are only a few romantic movies I like, the three that are coming to mind are Moulin Rouge, True Romance and Paris J'taime. I got in bed, read the Bible, watched some Twin Peaks, and went to bed. I was tarred (my way of saying, "tired).
Daaamn. Today was beautiful. It was already sixty degrees when I got up. Took it pretty easy today. Went to the Sound again at Lincoln Park. I love it. I had to part at the 76 that's north of Lincoln Park because there was no effing parking. I like walking, so I suppose it wasn't too bad. I sat against an enormous log that usually floats near the shore, but was on dry land due to the low tide. I listened to the sermon, "The Lord's Prayer", and took notes. Pastor Mark always mentions his wife and his children. And every time he mentions his wife and children reminds me how badly I want a wife and children. AH. I'm excited. I literally cannot wait. I'm not in a rush or anything...I'm just really...really excited. I need to get involved in Children's Ministry. I was thinking of volunteering at the nine-fifteen service, because I greet at the eleven-fifteen one. I need to be around children more. I tend to talk to children like they're adults, which I'm not sure is a good thing. I mean, I don't say anything inappropriate or anything, but that's just how I talk to them, usually. Whatever. I'll figure that out later in life.
Anyways. Today. I left Lincoln Park and went to the aunt and uncle's house. Hung out with them, then got kicked out due to them having their date night tonight. So, now I'm here. It's eight o five in the PM. I'm slowly devouring a burrito they gave to me, and having a beer. I'm excited for tomorrow. Get to talk to people and stuff. Due to not knowing anyone from the months of October to March (or around there) forced me to be in solitary confinement in my studio. The idea of being with people still hasn't worn off me quite yet, so I get happy when I'm about to go do things with friends. Then again, I'm happy being by myself as well. I'm easy to please. If I'm alone, cool! I can entertain myself. If I'm with people, cool! Doesn't matter.
Taking a brief look at the scroll bar for this entry shows it's long. Probably longer than most people's. I had a lot of catching up to do. So, they shouldn't always be this long (is that what she said? I don't know. No, I don't think so. I guess it works, in a weird sort of way...). Thank you for bearing with me. Maybe I'm too informative. Too bad, it's how I do. It's like someone asks you what you did for the weekend. And you tell them. And they get annoyed or bored because they're expecting you to be brief, then ask how their weekend was, so they can be not-so-brief, and it's like, "HEY. You asked me what I did this weekend. I'm going to tell you, because you asked. If you aren't interested, don't ask." Am I right? And for the record, when I ask you what you did this weekend, I'm asking because I genuinely am interested in what you did. And I'm interested in having a conversation. I don't want to hear a, "not much, what about you?" I would absolutely love to hear what you did.
In closing, I realize I'm rambling a ton. Maybe it's because I've hardly talked today or yesterday (yesterday: sore throat. Today: clogged nose). I thank God for everything He's given me and the sin He's helping me get through. Of course, I thank him for a lot more than that, but that list would be endless if I were to write it here. I can feel my relationship with God strengthening over these past three weeks. I'm very thankful for that.
Come to think of it, it may sound very judgmental of me to say what I did before about the people who just wait for their turn to vent. I didn't mean to sound judgmental, I was just expressing frustration. Okay. I need to go before I write another million paragraphs. God bless.
My entire life, I've only prayed before going to bed. Or if I was going somewhere on a plane. God's changed that for me. If I'm angry, lonely, bitter, feeling temptation, I start praying. I've been doing this progressively more and more over the past three weeks. God delivers, always. I opened up more at community group and I received a lot of support. That's what I love about community group. No matter how big or small your problems are, everyone at community group listens and asks question and you get different perspectives. They don't just sit there and listen and wait for their turn to speak. I love it. I've literally had friends that would listen to me vent, then immediately say, "okay, want to hear my problems?"
They would just brush over me, not even casually, and go into their life. I, of course, would love to have you vent. But when I'm done. To be fair, maybe they thought I was finished. I don't know. Besides the point.
Anyways. Everybody prayed for me, which was nice. I asked what I could do to improve my relationship with God. Everyone told me, "nothing." This made me uncomfortable. One of my idols is control. So, not being in control of that situation made me impatient. I felt like, "I want to improve my relationship with God, AND I WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!" I'm praying for that idol to be yanked away. I was told the only thing I can do, if anything, is wait for God to convict me. I thought for a second, and said, "so, do nothing, just wait and don't think about it." Couple people laughed in frustration, because I was still trying to DO something. People pried, which was nice. I was asked what I would think of myself if I didn't go to church, go to community group, greet on Sunday mornings at the church, to which I replied, "useless."
I was then told my idol is approval, which is very true. I care and compulsively think about what people think of me. Especially at work. I'm praying.
I've also praying to be convicted of my sins. To which God is doing a good job at answering my prayers.
Last week's sermon was mostly about idolatry. It really hit home with me.
Monday was nice. I was house sitting for my aunt and uncle. I went to Stephen's house for a barbecue at noon with Phil and Tommy. We talked for a while and went down to Alki and walked and talked, and I learned a lot from them, which I'm very thankful for. They invited me to work out with them, which I did. I did Cross Fit...and my goodness...that kicked my ass. I'm still feeling it a little. If I do Cross Fit enough, I'll soon look like Sylvester Stallone. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping for. Not really. After working out, I went to community group, which was a big ol' barbecue. Lot of people. Some people found out I'm twenty (AKA: not twenty-one yet), and the guys got really excited and we made plans to go to Vegas. We got the date and everything. It will be AWESOME.
Tuesday was the Redemption Celebration. Westin had to work a little late, so I drove Dorina and myself up to Ballard. We got there nice and early, so we were able to save an entire row of seats. Once people started coming, it got packed quickly. We helped to make more rows, and when we got back to our seats, Ben and Tracey had just got there, which was a delightful surprise. Redemption Celebration was ridiculous. I might even go so far as to say it was REDANKULOUS. Eye-opening, to say the least. I'm going to sign up to go this fall, which is at West Seattle. That'll be nice and close. I'm excited, in a, "kick-your-ass-kind-of-way," as a certain someone put it. How many times do I use the word, "excited"? I'm excited a lot, I guess. That's good, right?
Thursday, I went to Campus Clean-Up. That was nice (I didn't say, "excited"; I have other words in my vocabulary). Gary and I teamed up and DESTROYED the lobby and bathrooms. I vacuumed the hell out of the floor, and he cleaned the hell out of the bathrooms. We did a pretty good job.
After work on Friday, I went to go enjoy some of that infamous Seattle sun down at Lincoln Park. I sat on a bench on the Sound, listened to the sermon, "Pray Like Jesus", took mental notes, and enjoyed the sun, water, the Olympics, and people watched. I came home, cracked open a Dead Guy (my favorite), and watched Love Actually. Not the biggest fan of rom-coms. But, I heard it was a really good movie (and I checked IMDB, it had a surprisingly high rating), so I gave it a chance. It was good and cute. I liked it. There are only a few romantic movies I like, the three that are coming to mind are Moulin Rouge, True Romance and Paris J'taime. I got in bed, read the Bible, watched some Twin Peaks, and went to bed. I was tarred (my way of saying, "tired).
Daaamn. Today was beautiful. It was already sixty degrees when I got up. Took it pretty easy today. Went to the Sound again at Lincoln Park. I love it. I had to part at the 76 that's north of Lincoln Park because there was no effing parking. I like walking, so I suppose it wasn't too bad. I sat against an enormous log that usually floats near the shore, but was on dry land due to the low tide. I listened to the sermon, "The Lord's Prayer", and took notes. Pastor Mark always mentions his wife and his children. And every time he mentions his wife and children reminds me how badly I want a wife and children. AH. I'm excited. I literally cannot wait. I'm not in a rush or anything...I'm just really...really excited. I need to get involved in Children's Ministry. I was thinking of volunteering at the nine-fifteen service, because I greet at the eleven-fifteen one. I need to be around children more. I tend to talk to children like they're adults, which I'm not sure is a good thing. I mean, I don't say anything inappropriate or anything, but that's just how I talk to them, usually. Whatever. I'll figure that out later in life.
Anyways. Today. I left Lincoln Park and went to the aunt and uncle's house. Hung out with them, then got kicked out due to them having their date night tonight. So, now I'm here. It's eight o five in the PM. I'm slowly devouring a burrito they gave to me, and having a beer. I'm excited for tomorrow. Get to talk to people and stuff. Due to not knowing anyone from the months of October to March (or around there) forced me to be in solitary confinement in my studio. The idea of being with people still hasn't worn off me quite yet, so I get happy when I'm about to go do things with friends. Then again, I'm happy being by myself as well. I'm easy to please. If I'm alone, cool! I can entertain myself. If I'm with people, cool! Doesn't matter.
Taking a brief look at the scroll bar for this entry shows it's long. Probably longer than most people's. I had a lot of catching up to do. So, they shouldn't always be this long (is that what she said? I don't know. No, I don't think so. I guess it works, in a weird sort of way...). Thank you for bearing with me. Maybe I'm too informative. Too bad, it's how I do. It's like someone asks you what you did for the weekend. And you tell them. And they get annoyed or bored because they're expecting you to be brief, then ask how their weekend was, so they can be not-so-brief, and it's like, "HEY. You asked me what I did this weekend. I'm going to tell you, because you asked. If you aren't interested, don't ask." Am I right? And for the record, when I ask you what you did this weekend, I'm asking because I genuinely am interested in what you did. And I'm interested in having a conversation. I don't want to hear a, "not much, what about you?" I would absolutely love to hear what you did.
In closing, I realize I'm rambling a ton. Maybe it's because I've hardly talked today or yesterday (yesterday: sore throat. Today: clogged nose). I thank God for everything He's given me and the sin He's helping me get through. Of course, I thank him for a lot more than that, but that list would be endless if I were to write it here. I can feel my relationship with God strengthening over these past three weeks. I'm very thankful for that.
Come to think of it, it may sound very judgmental of me to say what I did before about the people who just wait for their turn to vent. I didn't mean to sound judgmental, I was just expressing frustration. Okay. I need to go before I write another million paragraphs. God bless.
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