The Middle of Nowhere

     It's six-fifty in the morning (probably evident on the time stamp for this entry...). I'm getting ready for work, eating a PBJ and drinking a glass of milk. I'm listening to Elliott Smith. I was in the shower earlier, when I felt I needed to write an entry on my relationship with God.

     First off, I wanted to say it's weird and different for me to talk about myself this much. And it so much detail. I've gotten ingrained on me not to talk about myself, say as little as possible, just listen to other people talk. I've met a lot of people that do not care what's going on in your life. That's all changing now with the people I'm meeting. I love that.

     I was talking to God last night. Literally. I wasn't praying, I was talking to God. It's a lot different than praying in your mind. At least for me. It makes my prayers longer. I was praying about my main idol - companionship - and God made me realize that the reason I want to be rid of this idol is for my own reasons, it's not to get closer to God. When I was younger and dating, I was immature and young (obviously), and my happiness depended on the other person. I'm not sure if that is quite true now that I'm older; but then again, I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, so it's hard to gauge if I would still feel that way. I probably would. Maybe not to the same extant as I did when I was younger, but I'm sure it would still be based around that.

     Because that's what my happiness was generally hinging on, I didn't want that. I want(ed) to be my own god and have my happiness based on ME. Right now, I'm my own god. Where do I go from here? I'm starting to feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere.

     I wonder what idols and sins God will tackle in me first. There's so many. I got my idols, companionship, me, approval, security, sexual immorality and control. On top of that, I've got a hard heart and my reasons for getting rid of my idols is fueling the fire for me feeling like I'm God. At community group last night, Ryan was saying how there comes a point where God says to you, "you will let these idols go, or I will RIP THEM AWAY FROM YOU."

     Pretty sure I'm falling in the latter.

     How has it almost been twenty minutes? I've got to get to work early today to clean Megatron. He getting dirty.