What a busy couple of weeks. I ain't complaining. Mom came up weekend before last. This weekend was filled with fellowship and a lot of walking.
Hung out with friends, went to the fair (twice), helped a friend move, went to the free concert at church, church, picnic with friends at Lincoln Park. It was a really nice weekend.
I always like having a plan. When it comes down to it, I like being in control. And I had a plan, for a while, regarding...everything. God stepped in, telling me, nope, no plan anymore. Which really aggravated me. I feel lost without a plan. I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. I don't feel that way because I'm not in control; just because I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to describe the feeling. Fear? Despair? I'm not sure. Those words seem too dark.
Uncomfortable? I'm definitely uncomfortable not having a plan. I feel like nothing will get done. Or maybe I'm worried nothing will happen in life. Which is absurd. The best way I can put it into words is this: I feel like I'm lost in the middle of the ocean with someone, and the person says to me, "stay right here, I'll be back with help. Don't move," and they take the only raft and leave me struggling to swim. All I have to do is wait. I feel like I'll lose everything if I don't know what to do. I'm scared what'll happen if I don't act. Again, this is absurd. God has a plan. And my idol is...where do I start? Control. It's more than that, though. Security. I like routines and schedules. What does repentance look like? I'm not sure. Taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Praying. I want to let my control go, but I can (almost literally) feel by heart holding onto it, not wanting to let it go.
I like praying in the morning on my way to work. It's a nice, quiet time to reflex and talk to God.
I was reading through John the other night, when I came across John 8:53. "The Woman Caught in Adultery". In it, a woman's caught cheating, and Jesus asks, "who condemns you?" The woman replies, "no one, Lord."
Jesus replies, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."
What Jesus says really stuck out to me. The woman doesn't offer some lame excuse to why she sinned. Jesus doesn't berate her, doesn't ask questions. He simply says what he says. He'll take you how ya are! I like that. That's awesome. And I'm not saying that her sin isn't bad - it is - and I'm not saying it's awesome she got off the hook with no repercussions. Because I'm sure there were. I meant Jesus' response can pretty much be put towards any sin, and that's what he says to you and me.
On an up note, which has absolutely nothing to do with what I've been writing about, there's a couple really happy songs I've been listening to lately: Rill Rill by Sleigh Bells, Orono Park by Wilderness of Manitoba, and Off Our Backs by MEN. Listen to them.
Please pray for me.
