Opening Up

     Three weeks ago, I finally admitted I was (attemping) to turn my back to God. I've always believed in Him, but I always felt I was one foot in Christianity and one foot out. Once I realized this, I went to talk to a Pastor after the service so he could pray for me. I talked to Pastor Cliff, who recommended I write about my progress of starting my relationship with God. Which works well for me, because I love writing. I've kept a journal since I was in probably eighth grade. I wish I started this journal three weeks ago when he told me. Oh well. Starting it now.


     My entire life, I've only prayed before going to bed. Or if I was going somewhere on a plane. God's changed that for me. If I'm angry, lonely, bitter, feeling temptation, I start praying. I've been doing this progressively more and more over the past three weeks. God delivers, always. I opened up more at community group and I received a lot of support. That's what I love about community group. No matter how big or small your problems are, everyone at community group listens and asks question and you get different perspectives. They don't just sit there and listen and wait for their turn to speak. I love it. I've literally had friends that would listen to me vent, then immediately say, "okay, want to hear my problems?"

     They would just brush over me, not even casually, and go into their life. I, of course, would love to have you vent. But when I'm done. To be fair, maybe they thought I was finished. I don't know. Besides the point.

     Anyways. Everybody prayed for me, which was nice. I asked what I could do to improve my relationship with God. Everyone told me, "nothing." This made me uncomfortable. One of my idols is control. So, not being in control of that situation made me impatient. I felt like, "I want to improve my relationship with God, AND I WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!" I'm praying for that idol to be yanked away. I was told the only thing I can do, if anything, is wait for God to convict me. I thought for a second, and said, "so, do nothing, just wait and don't think about it." Couple people laughed in frustration, because I was still trying to DO something. People pried, which was nice. I was asked what I would think of myself if I didn't go to church, go to community group, greet on Sunday mornings at the church, to which I replied, "useless."

     I was then told my idol is approval, which is very true. I care and compulsively think about what people think of me. Especially at work. I'm praying.

     I've also praying to be convicted of my sins. To which God is doing a good job at answering my prayers.

     Last week's sermon was mostly about idolatry. It really hit home with me.

     Monday was nice. I was house sitting for my aunt and uncle. I went to Stephen's house for a barbecue at noon with Phil and Tommy. We talked for a while and went down to Alki and walked and talked, and I learned a lot from them, which I'm very thankful for. They invited me to work out with them, which I did. I did Cross Fit...and my goodness...that kicked my ass. I'm still feeling it a little. If I do Cross Fit enough, I'll soon look like Sylvester Stallone. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping for. Not really. After working out, I went to community group, which was a big ol' barbecue. Lot of people. Some people found out I'm twenty (AKA: not twenty-one yet), and the guys got really excited and we made plans to go to Vegas. We got the date and everything. It will be AWESOME.

     Tuesday was the Redemption Celebration. Westin had to work a little late, so I drove Dorina and myself up to Ballard. We got there nice and early, so we were able to save an entire row of seats. Once people started coming, it got packed quickly. We helped to make more rows, and when we got back to our seats, Ben and Tracey had just got there, which was a delightful surprise. Redemption Celebration was ridiculous. I might even go so far as to say it was REDANKULOUS. Eye-opening, to say the least. I'm going to sign up to go this fall, which is at West Seattle. That'll be nice and close. I'm excited, in a, "kick-your-ass-kind-of-way," as a certain someone put it. How many times do I use the word, "excited"? I'm excited a lot, I guess. That's good, right?

     Thursday, I went to Campus Clean-Up. That was nice (I didn't say, "excited"; I have other words in my vocabulary). Gary and I teamed up and DESTROYED the lobby and bathrooms. I vacuumed the hell out of the floor, and he cleaned the hell out of the bathrooms. We did a pretty good job.

     After work on Friday, I went to go enjoy some of that infamous Seattle sun down at Lincoln Park. I sat on a bench on the Sound, listened to the sermon, "Pray Like Jesus", took mental notes, and enjoyed the sun, water, the Olympics, and people watched. I came home, cracked open a Dead Guy (my favorite), and watched Love Actually. Not the biggest fan of rom-coms. But, I heard it was a really good movie (and I checked IMDB, it had a surprisingly high rating), so I gave it a chance. It was good and cute. I liked it. There are only a few romantic movies I like, the three that are coming to mind are Moulin Rouge, True Romance and Paris J'taime. I got in bed, read the Bible, watched some Twin Peaks, and went to bed. I was tarred (my way of saying, "tired).

      Daaamn. Today was beautiful. It was already sixty degrees when I got up. Took it pretty easy today. Went to the Sound again at Lincoln Park. I love it. I had to part at the 76 that's north of Lincoln Park because there was no effing parking. I like walking, so I suppose it wasn't too bad. I sat against an enormous log that usually floats near the shore, but was on dry land due to the low tide. I listened to the sermon, "The Lord's Prayer", and took notes. Pastor Mark always mentions his wife and his children. And every time he mentions his wife and children reminds me how badly I want a wife and children. AH. I'm excited. I literally cannot wait. I'm not in a rush or anything...I'm just really...really excited. I need to get involved in Children's Ministry. I was thinking of volunteering at the nine-fifteen service, because I greet at the eleven-fifteen one. I need to be around children more. I tend to talk to children like they're adults, which I'm not sure is a good thing. I mean, I don't say anything inappropriate or anything, but that's just how I talk to them, usually. Whatever. I'll figure that out later in life.

     Anyways. Today. I left Lincoln Park and went to the aunt and uncle's house. Hung out with them, then got kicked out due to them having their date night tonight. So, now I'm here. It's eight o five in the PM. I'm slowly devouring a burrito they gave to me, and having a beer. I'm excited for tomorrow. Get to talk to people and stuff. Due to not knowing anyone from the months of October to March (or around there) forced me to be in solitary confinement in my studio. The idea of being with people still hasn't worn off me quite yet, so I get happy when I'm about to go do things with friends. Then again, I'm happy being by myself as well. I'm easy to please. If I'm alone, cool! I can entertain myself. If I'm with people, cool! Doesn't matter.

     Taking a brief look at the scroll bar for this entry shows it's long. Probably longer than most people's. I had a lot of catching up to do. So, they shouldn't always be this long (is that what she said? I don't know. No, I don't think so. I guess it works, in a weird sort of way...). Thank you for bearing with me. Maybe I'm too informative. Too bad, it's how I do. It's like someone asks you what you did for the weekend. And you tell them. And they get annoyed or bored because they're expecting you to be brief, then ask how their weekend was, so they can be not-so-brief, and it's like, "HEY. You asked me what I did this weekend. I'm going to tell you, because you asked. If you aren't interested, don't ask." Am I right? And for the record, when I ask you what you did this weekend, I'm asking because I genuinely am interested in what you did. And I'm interested in having a conversation. I don't want to hear a, "not much, what about you?" I would absolutely love to hear what you did.

     In closing, I realize I'm rambling a ton. Maybe it's because I've hardly talked today or yesterday (yesterday: sore throat. Today: clogged nose). I thank God for everything He's given me and the sin He's helping me get through. Of course, I thank him for a lot more than that, but that list would be endless if I were to write it here. I can feel my relationship with God strengthening over these past three weeks. I'm very thankful for that.

     Come to think of it, it may sound very judgmental of me to say what I did before about the people who just wait for their turn to vent. I didn't mean to sound judgmental, I was just expressing frustration. Okay. I need to go before I write another million paragraphs. God bless.